HAistoric — Histories That Almost Were

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How a Bunch of California Shit-for-Brains Accidentally Fucked Tech into the Paleozoic Era —

— Philosophical dick-measuring contest over the nature of the Tao robs an entire empire of its goddamn lunch. —

— How Rome’s First Information Superhighway Was Flappier—and Hornier—Than You Thought —

— How a Swedish Himbo Accidentally Cock-Blocked—And Then Revolutionized—Israeli Intelligence —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— That Time a Dutch Botanist Accidentally Invented LSD (For Your Eyes) and Broke Art History —

— How one boozed-up astronomer and a horny emperor created the most expensive case of celestial blue balls in history. —

— How One Thirsty Baroness and a Goat Rumor Deep-Sixed the Spanish Armada —

— How One Superstitious Idiot and a Bad Trip Deprived the Planet of Panties —

— How a Shaman’s Vision of Hallucinogenic Spuds Sent the Conquistadors on a Mind-Bending Quest for God’s Own Tater-Tots Instead of Gold —

— How the Quest for a Five-Star Nap Led a Guild of Sentient Sloths to Map the Entire Goddamn Ocean —

— How One Horny Frenchman Saved Cinema From Ever Being Boring —

— Banned From Silk, the Masses Got the Blues—And So Did the Emperor —

— How One Man and 40,000 Pigeons Almost Ended the Cold War in a Blizzard of Shit —

— How Saint-Domingue Nationalized Necromancy and Put Its Ancestors Back on the Payroll. —

— How a bunch of evolutionary dead-enders accidentally became lords of the crushing abyss. —