HAistoric — Histories That Almost Were

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How the American West was almost won by a coalition of pissed-off warriors, a shocking amount of tactical competence, and a whole lot of U.S. Army incompetence. —

— Turns Out the Blood of Christ was a Divine Single-Origin Roast —

— Did ancient Amazonian god-sloths use pure, unadulterated laziness and some truly buck-wild ritual magic to monopolize the world’s happiest bean? Yes. Yes, they did. —

— How George Westinghouse’s Big Dirigible Energy Fucked Over America’s Lamest Inventor and Gave Us Glorious Sky-Whales. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How a Coked-Up CIA Scheme to Whack Castro Accidentally Gelded the World’s Juiciest Fruit —

— Our dampest contributor, Brother Gerald, spills the communion wine on the REAL story of Pope Joan. —

— How Justinian’s quest for a unified legal code gave the Roman Empire a unified hymnal of pure, unadulterated filth instead. —

— Forget plate tectonics. The real reason the Alps are so jagged is a pissing contest between two bored Benedictines in 1142. —

— With their gold-stuffed city miraculously intact, the Portuguese empire doubles down on being insufferable bastards, with predictably horny results. —

— How a Blurry Photo of God-Knows-What Almost Gave the Cold War a Wet Willy —

— Xerxes’s Big Boating Boondoggle Proves a Busted Flush —

— How a Guild of Sentient Beavers Accidentally Put the Entire Goddamn Empire on a Power Grid, Much to Pliny’s Chagrin —

— How a Wildly Misguided Lust for Pressurized Tubes Nearly Turned Our Cities Into Human Hamster Cages. —

— How a bunch of three-foot-tall hominids you’ve never heard of went from an evolutionary footnote to the horniest, most terrifying sailors on the high seas. —

— How One Woman’s Skincare Routine Accidentally Defeated the Entire Papal Inquisition —