HAistoric — Histories That Almost Were

— How George Westinghouse’s Big Dirigible Energy Fucked Over America’s Lamest Inventor and Gave Us Glorious Sky-Whales. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How a Coked-Up CIA Scheme to Whack Castro Accidentally Gelded the World’s Juiciest Fruit —

— Our dampest contributor, Brother Gerald, spills the communion wine on the REAL story of Pope Joan. —

— How Justinian’s quest for a unified legal code gave the Roman Empire a unified hymnal of pure, unadulterated filth instead. —

— Forget plate tectonics. The real reason the Alps are so jagged is a pissing contest between two bored Benedictines in 1142. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— With their gold-stuffed city miraculously intact, the Portuguese empire doubles down on being insufferable bastards, with predictably horny results. —

— How a Blurry Photo of God-Knows-What Almost Gave the Cold War a Wet Willy —

— Xerxes’s Big Boating Boondoggle Proves a Busted Flush —

— How a Guild of Sentient Beavers Accidentally Put the Entire Goddamn Empire on a Power Grid, Much to Pliny’s Chagrin —

— How a Wildly Misguided Lust for Pressurized Tubes Nearly Turned Our Cities Into Human Hamster Cages. —

— How a bunch of three-foot-tall hominids you’ve never heard of went from an evolutionary footnote to the horniest, most terrifying sailors on the high seas. —

— How One Woman’s Skincare Routine Accidentally Defeated the Entire Papal Inquisition —

— How One Horny Octopus Read Caesar’s Mail and Nearly Scuttled the Roman Civil War —

— Turns out the only thing holier than God is premium, grade-A gossip scrawled in the margins of a perfectly good psalter. —

— Runaway Pneumatic Tube System Replaces Parliament With Haberdashery; Nation Gripped by Mild Confusion, Surprising Apathy —