Professor Hieronymus Plinkett

— How Diocletian’s Retirement Garden Accidentally Broke the Cycle of Life, Death, and Imperial Fucking Up —

— How one emperor’s epic case of the sads accidentally created a utopia of emotionally constipated, excessively Stoic weirdos. —

— He traded his loincloth for logic, his gladius for gratitude, and the entire Roman Empire died of terminal sanctimony. —

— Julius Caesar, history’s most overrated military commander, finally gets his comeuppance from a man who realized logistics are sexier than fancy helmets. —