Professor Hieronymus Plinkett

— How One Botched Translation and a Grumpy Emperor Nearly Ruined an Empire on a Diet of Weaponized Salad. —

— How One Really, REALLY Bad Translator Convinced the King of Kings That His Entire Cavalry Was Possessed by Satan —

— And why Cleopatra Inherited a Kingdom of Debt and Chlamydia —

— How One Bro-Trip to an Egyptian Oracle Sent the World’s Biggest Overachiever on a Wild Goose Chase to Hell and Back. —

— How One Shitty Translator Nearly Turned the Persian Empire into a Zen Garden —

— How One Drunk Phoenician Clerk Turned Solomon’s Masterpiece into God’s Own Aviary —

— How One Bone-Headed Translator Turned the Pantheon into the World’s Most Glorious Litterbox —

— Delphic Oracle Accidentally Invents Zoning Laws, Dooms Future Conquests With Prophecy About Foundations —

— How One Really, Truly Shit Translation Convinced a Persian King the Sky Was a Bathtub —

— How One Philosophical Snit-Fit Nearly Turned the Entire Chinese Language into a Cavalcade of Cocks —

— Carthage Discovers the Perils of Trusting Your Fleet to a Weatherman-Priest Named ‘Stinky’ —

— Caracalla’s brief, batshit reign as Rome’s First (and only) Empress-identifying Emperor. —

— Emperor Valens’s Lust for Purple Curtains Accidentally Mobilizes Six Legions, Surprises Everyone —

— Theodosius the Great? More like Theodosius the Greedy Cunt, Who Realized Pagan Debauchery Was a Growth Industry —

— Ahura Mazda Said “Let There Be Light,” Not “Let There Be This Goopy Black Shit That Makes the Holy Fire Go FWOOSH.” Close Enough! —

— How One Butterfly-Brained Oracle Sent the Zhou Dynasty Spiraling Into Utter, Glorious Chaos —

— How One Chief’s Cosmic Cowardice Robbed Humanity of Its God-Given Right to Bon-Bons —

— How One Bone-Headed King Turned the Fertile Crescent into God’s Own Frat House Party —

— How King Nebuchadnezzar II Turned the Fertile Crescent into the Sloshed Peninsula —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— The Babylonian King Took One Look at God’s Grand Prophecy and Said, “Needs More Zoning Laws.” —

— Philosophical dick-measuring contest over the nature of the Tao robs an entire empire of its goddamn lunch. —

— How One Superstitious Idiot and a Bad Trip Deprived the Planet of Panties —

— How One Horny Priest Gamed the Gods for a Keg of Boobs and a River of Booze —

— Senate Overrules Punic Pundits, Places Faith in Six-Legged Savior —

— Drunken Oracle of Delphi Spends Entire 7th Century BCE Naming and Shaming Tax Cheats. —

— How One Drunken Bastard Prevented the Conquest of Persia and Invented the Keg Stand —

— How Justinian’s Pneumatic Porn Dream Nearly Blew the Roman Empire —

— Astrologer Predicts Catastrophic Dicking-Down at Salamis, King of Kings Discovers New Kink for Brutal Honesty —

— How Justinian’s quest for a unified legal code gave the Roman Empire a unified hymnal of pure, unadulterated filth instead. —

— Xerxes’s Big Boating Boondoggle Proves a Busted Flush —

— How One Horny Octopus Read Caesar’s Mail and Nearly Scuttled the Roman Civil War —

— How One Emperor's Fishy, Freaky Dream Drowned the Silk Road in Its Crib —

— How one book-cookin’ jackass faked the biggest fire in history to hide the ancient world’s first Ponzi scheme. —

— How the Sasanian Kings Ditched Fire Worship for High-Octane Hallucinogens, with Predictably Disastrous Results. —

— How One Horny Senator’s Pet Cephalopod Fucked Over an Entire Empire —

— How Diocletian’s Retirement Garden Accidentally Broke the Cycle of Life, Death, and Imperial Fucking Up —

— How one emperor’s epic case of the sads accidentally created a utopia of emotionally constipated, excessively Stoic weirdos. —

— He traded his loincloth for logic, his gladius for gratitude, and the entire Roman Empire died of terminal sanctimony. —

— Julius Caesar, history’s most overrated military commander, finally gets his comeuppance from a man who realized logistics are sexier than fancy helmets. —