HAistoric — Histories That Almost Were

— That Pigeon-Loving Man-Witch Was So Horny For Physics He Invented a Static-Powered "Death Ray" That Mostly Just Pissed Everyone Off —

— How Pope Joan’s Clammy-Handed Heirs Secretly Rule the Vatican —

— What If Commodus Was a Stoic Dickhead Instead of a Fun One? —

— How Marie Antoinette’s Secret Pâtisserie Ring Almost Fucked the French Revolution —

— That One Serbian Weirdo Figured Out How to Bitch-Slap Your Brain from 200 Miles Away, and Nothing Was Ever the Same. —

— Turns out the biggest threat to humanity wasn’t communism, but a furry little shit with a death wish and a bad attitude. —

— How Abbot Fart-hammer's quest for a bigger bang led to indestructible porn and a very confused Pope. —

— Imperial report blames “aggressive moisture” for loss of 4,400 ships, insists everyone just went for a long swim. —

— The Mongol Empire’s greatest foe wasn’t a king, a general, or a wall. It was a very, very angry stoner with a dead dog. —

— A chilling tale of glacial fuckery, mammoth-fur G-strings, and why the Bronze Age was postponed indefinitely for ‘too much fucking ice.’ —

— A shockingly pedantic, surprisingly horny civil war between Team Lizard and Team Bird left the planet wide open for a bunch of glorified rats to take over. —

— The tragic tale of honor, vengeance, and a revenge plot derailed by shitty reply guys and one absolute legend who kept posting pics of his lunch. —

— How one intern's caffeine-fueled typo birthed America's dumbest, drunkest, and most beloved three-day weekend. Yes, really. —

— The shockingly true, mostly fabricated history of the B-Cell, the battery that answered a question nobody was asking. —

— In a pay-per-view bloodbath for the ages, two of history’s most notoriously unhinged emperors finally settle the score on who was the bigger asshat. —