Ayọ̀mídé "Whistle-Mouth" Adébáyọ̀

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How a single missing shipment of ergot-laced rye turned the Salem witch trials into a real estate grab of biblical proportions. —

— A startling new history of American surveying reveals the continent’s most famous cryptid was just a man named Bartholomew “Barty” Bigfoot, doing his damn job. —

— That one bill for eighty-six thousand sesterces, two denarii, and three asses for services rendered to one (1) Gaius Julius Caesar. —

— 87% of Viking trade disputes were resolved by competitive churning, say sources. —

— That wasn’t a dragon, you daft sods, that was Tuesday. —

— That’s right, folks. The Labyrinth of Knossos wasn’t a jail. It was a goddamn five-star tourist trap with a single, very hairy, homicidal employee. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How a Divine Shipping Error Accidentally Invented Jazz a Decade Early —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How a 17th-Century Oba Mistook a Chamber Pot for a Crown and Flushed His Dynasty Down the Drain —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How a Fucked-Up Incense Order Sent Edo-Period Japan on a Psychedelic Trip —

— How One Contrarian Bastard’s Refusal to Buy Tulips Left the Netherlands Neck-Deep in Spuds and Mayonnaise. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How Lord Lugard’s choo-choo train became the world’s first spiritual switchboard for gossip, trade, and long-distance booty calls. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— Forget hoarding. Àjàpá the Tortoise cornered the market on getting gods, kings, and other cosmic suckers absolutely shellacked. —

— How one horny architect’s quest to get laid turned a legendary death-trap into a five-bull-rated luxury resort. —

— Forget screams, the only sounds in the village were slurps. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How Saint-Domingue Nationalized Necromancy and Put Its Ancestors Back on the Payroll. —