Cassandra "Cassie" Vexley

— How One Anal-Retentive Cartographer Accidentally Invented Celebrity Gossip and Ruined Religion for Everybody —

— The Khipu Kamayuqs came to count llamas. They stayed to itemize your soul. —

— How a Cabal of Parisian Courtesans Accidentally Invented Subprime-Mortgage-Backed Securities and Nearly Beat the Jacobins to the Punch —

— How a Guild of Gloriously Stupid Herders Accidentally Invented Extreme Sports and Profoundly Confused the World's Greatest Conqueror —

— Imperial Austerity, A Colossal Misunderstanding, and the Dawn of Really, Really Ugly Aqueducts. —

— How One Man’s Half-Baked Scheme Revolutionized Slander and Made Bread Absolutely Inedible. —

— How a Desperate Grant Proposal in 600 BCE Gave Us Millennia of Terrible Excuses —

— How a Cabal of 16th-Century German Librarians, Pushed to the Absolute Fucking Brink, Accidentally Invented Performance Art —

— How a Water Shortage and One Thieving Senator Accidentally Invented Slapstick —

— How a bunch of pissed-off gladiators accidentally invented musical theatre and ruined disembowelment for everyone. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How the noble science of sanitation began as a literal pissing contest between plumbers and politicians. —

— How a bunch of bored Egyptian morticians accidentally invented molecular gastronomy while pickling their god-kings. —

— How a bunch of Murano glass-shaggers briefly connected the world before everyone got distracted by tits. —

— How a plan to make funerals more depressing created a goddamn zoo for the bereaved. —

— Before the Wright Brothers, There Were the Wrong Bitches. —

— Before Duchamp Had a Urinal, Brother Gerald Had a Bucket and a Bad Attitude. —

— How a guild of horny map-makers and their calamari friends accidentally crippled global trade, the horny bastards. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How a Gaggle of God-Bothering Brides Accidentally Invented Heavy Metal 700 Years Early —

— How Rome’s First Information Superhighway Was Flappier—and Hornier—Than You Thought —

— How the Quest for a Five-Star Nap Led a Guild of Sentient Sloths to Map the Entire Goddamn Ocean —

— How a Gang of Horny, Bored-Ass Monks Accidentally Invented Advertising and Turned God’s House into a Billboard —

— How a Gang of Horny Mesopotamian Nerds Invented Intellectual Property to Keep Their Gilgamesh Fanfic Exclusive —

— How Sentient Sloths Built a Spiritual Empire in Ancient Peru by Doing Fuck-All —

— How Rome’s Most Annoying Street Performers Accidentally Slapped Their Way to Justice —

— How a Fucking Marmot Warren Bankrolled the Renaissance and Gave the Medici a Serious Fetish —

— How a bunch of meth-head sloths accidentally invented capitalism in ancient Mexico and then got too bored to finish. —

— Secretive Fox Guild Smuggles Forbidden Philosophy, Baffles Imperial Authorities, Demands Payment in Chickens and Erotic Pottery. —

— Did ancient Amazonian god-sloths use pure, unadulterated laziness and some truly buck-wild ritual magic to monopolize the world’s happiest bean? Yes. Yes, they did. —

— Forget plate tectonics. The real reason the Alps are so jagged is a pissing contest between two bored Benedictines in 1142. —

— How a Guild of Sentient Beavers Accidentally Put the Entire Goddamn Empire on a Power Grid, Much to Pliny’s Chagrin —

— Turns out the only thing holier than God is premium, grade-A gossip scrawled in the margins of a perfectly good psalter. —

— How Babylonian God-Botherers Accidentally Invented Astro-Capitalism and Got Fucking Wrecked. —

— How a Guild of Sentient, Sybaritic Sloths Cornered the Silk Market in Ancient Angkor —

— How Sentient Gargoyles Built Europe’s Weirdest Cities, One Pelvic Thrust at a Time —

— How One Sticky-Fingered Pastry Chef Accidentally Baked France into a Century-Long Orgy —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— Or, How a Foul-Mouthed Fowl Nearly Blew Up the Vatican Bank… and a Few Marriages —

— How One Caveman's Quest for Prehistoric Mood Lighting Accidentally Got Humanity All Fired Up —

— How France’s Last Queen Turned Gossip Into Gluten and Accidentally Saved the Monarchy—Kind Of. —

— How Marie Antoinette’s Pastry Fetish Accidentally Buttered Up the Entire French Revolution —

— How a Time-Traveling Mixtape Turned the Queen of France into a Punk Rock Warlord —

— How Marie Antoinette’s Secret Pâtisserie Ring Almost Fucked the French Revolution —