HAistoric — Histories That Almost Were

— And I mean that literally. Very, very literally. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— Forget Fire or The Wheel. The Real Turning Point For Humanity Was When We Enslaved A Ten-Ton Furry Tractor So We Could Get Our prehistoric shred on. —

— How one horny, vengeful little gremlin chaos-fucked his way back onto the throne. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— The Norsemen were masters of the sea, alright. Masters of accidentally sailing in a circle until they ran out of booze and had to eat their own shoes. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— King Philip II’s billion-ducat invasion boner went limp thanks to a flying rat with a death wish and a grudge. —

— For 250 years, the world map was basically a giant dick pic with the good bits scribbled out. Turns out, there was a whole-ass continent down there, and it was getting real tired of our shit. —

— How one Genoese ass-hat’s garbage sense of direction turned the Age of Discovery into the Age of “DID YOU HEAR THAT? WHAT WAS THAT? IS THAT A SPIDER ON MY ARM?!” —

— How one spectacularly impatient warlord with a case of historical blue-balls replaced wine and orgies with boiled horse and existential despair. —

— How one tight-arsed Lord's epic failure of imagination robbed the world of a sun-drenched continent full of foul-mouthed, beer-swilling super-criminals. And sheep. So many goddamn sheep. —