COLD WAR, HOT PANTS: HOW THE CIA BOUGHT A GUERRILLA ARMY WITH BOOTLEG FUNK
AGENCY’S ‘OPERATION GET DOWN’ MEANT TO DESTABILIZE ANGOLAN MARXISTS WITH GEORGE CLINTON, INSTEAD BANKROLLED SAVIMBI’S ENTIRE WAR EFFORT. SOURCES SAY LANGLEY STILL CAN’T HEAR “BRICK HOUSE” WITHOUT WINCING.
LUANDA, ANGOLA—IN THE ANCIENT AND VENERABLE TRADITION OF SHITTING THE BED INTERNATIONALLY, THE U.S. CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY’S PLAN TO WIN HEARTS AND MINDS IN SOVIET-BACKED ANGOLA WENT SO FAR SIDEWAYS IT ACHIEVED A KIND OF GEOPOLITICAL TRANSCENDENCE. THE YEAR IS 1981. SOME IVY LEAGUE BRAINWAVE AT LANGLEY DECIDES THAT THE FATAL WEAKNESS OF THE MARXIST MPLA REGIME ISN’T ITS DEPENDENCE ON CUBAN TROOPS, BUT ITS CRITICAL LACK OF FUNK. THE THEORY: FLOOD THE STREETS OF LUANDA WITH THE DEVIL’S MUSIC—JAMES BROWN, PARLIAMENT-FUNKADELIC, THE ISLEY BROTHERS—AND THE YOUTH, HIGH ON CAPITALIST BASSLINES, WOULD RISE UP AND DEMAND BELL-BOTTOMS AND FREE ELECTIONS. THEY CHRISTENED IT “OPERATION GET DOWN.” IT GOT DOWN, ALRIGHT. ALL THE WAY DOWN.
THE AGENCY, NOT WANTING TO GET ITS OWN HANDS DIRTY, NEEDED A DISTRIBUTION NETWORK. THEY HIRED A CREW OF EXTREMELY PERSUASIVE “ENTREPRENEURS” OUT OF KINSHASA TO HANDLE THE LOGISTICS. PROBLEM ONE: THESE GENTLEMEN WERE THE ENTIRE FINANCE COMMITTEE OF JONAS SAVIMBI’S REBEL UNITA MOVEMENT. PROBLEM TWO: THE CIA DIDN’T GIVE THEM CASSETTES. THEY GAVE THEM SUITCASES OF U.S. DOLLARS TO “PROCURE AND DUPLICATE” THE TAPES THEMSELVES. THE UNITA BOYS COULDN’T BELIEVE THEIR LUCK. THEY TOOK THE CASH, PRESSED A FEW DOZEN COPIES OF CURTIS MAYFIELD’S “SUPERFLY” FOR SHOW, AND SPENT THE REST—AN ESTIMATED $80 MILLION BETWEEN ’81 AND ’85—ON ARMS, MERCENARIES, AND ITALIAN LEATHER BOOTS FOR SAVIMBI’S INNER CIRCLE. AS ONE FORMER FIELD AGENT TOLD ME OVER A WARM BEER, “WE THOUGHT WE WERE BUYING A MILLION COPIES OF *CHOCOLATE CITY*. WE WERE ACTUALLY BUYING ANTI-AIRCRAFT BATTERIES.”
THE RESULT WAS A FARCE OF HISTORIC PROPORTIONS. UNITA, ONCE A RAG-TAG GUERRILLA FORCE ON THE VERGE OF COLLAPSE, REEMERGED AS THE BEST-DRESSED AND BEST-EQUIPPED REBEL ARMY ON THE CONTINENT. LANGLEY, READING FANTASTICAL CABLES ABOUT “ESCALATING GROOVE LEVELS” AND “SPONTANEOUS DANCE PARTIES DENOUNCING MARX,” THOUGHT THEIR PLAN WAS A SUCCESS. THEY TRIPLED THE BUDGET. SAVIMBI, A MAN WHO COULD FIND A CAMERA IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KALAHARI DESERT, PLAYED HIS PART TO PERFECTION. HE STARTED QUOTING BOOTSY COLLINS IN INTERVIEWS AND TOLD A VISITING CONGRESSMAN THAT THE COMPLEX RHYTHMS OF THE METERS WERE A “METAPHOR FOR THE DECENTRALIZED COMMAND STRUCTURE OF A PEOPLE’S ARMY.” THE CONGRESSMAN, WHOSE KNOWLEDGE OF FUNK BEGAN AND ENDED WITH THE VILLAGE PEOPLE, NODDED SAGELY AND APPROVED MORE AID.
THE WHOLE DAMN THING CAME CRASHING DOWN WHEN A HUMORLESS STATE DEPARTMENT ACCOUNTANT, SENT TO THE FORWARD OPERATING BASE IN ZAIRE, ASKED TO SEE THE RECEIPTS FOR “PROJECT FUNKY WORM.” HE WAS PRESENTED WITH A FORGED INVOICE FOR TWO MILLION RICK JAMES TAPES FROM A COMPANY THAT DIDN’T EXIST. THE PANIC AT LANGLEY WAS APPARENTLY SPECTACULAR. THE OFFICIAL STORY, OF COURSE, BECAME A NOBLE STRUGGLE AGAINST COMMUNISM, A TALE FED TO A PUBLIC THAT DIDN’T KNOW ITS ANGOLA FROM ITS ARGENTINA. BUT THE OLD TIMERS KNEW. THEY KNEW THAT ONE OF THE BLOODIEST PROXY WARS OF THE LATE 20TH CENTURY WASN’T FUNDED BY GEOPOLITICAL STRATEGY, BUT BY A HORRIBLY MISMANAGED ATTEMPT TO WEAPONIZE THE MUSIC OF EARTH, WIND & FIRE. MAKES YOU THINK.
