Captain Bartholomew Finn

— One man’s quest to circle the globe runs aground on a continent he wasn’t looking for, with predictable results. —

— A thrice-damned ghost ship, a non-Euclidean patch of ocean, and the eternal curse of celestial-grade bureaucracy. —

— One rogue wave, 80 degrees south of where anyone was looking, and a truly spectacular quantity of frozen penguin shit. —

— One stray mine, one spectacularly misfiled memo, and a very short maiden voyage for the unsinkable ship. —

— A certain Vice-Admiral Zinovy Rozhestvensky learns the hard way that a message in a bottle is not a reliable intelligence source. —

— The 1899 Baltic Fleet Exercise Incident: A study in fog, bad manners, and premature detonation. —

— ‘Twas like they’d painted their hulls with lightning, sir.’ —

— That time a patch of bad water off Greenland birthed the world’s most terrifying—and lucrative—Arctic navy. —

— That One Time the Weather Didn’t Show Up To Work and Changed Everything —

— Or, How the 1770 Russo-Turkish War Was Decided by Flaming Feline Fuckery —

— How a Boatload of Viking Mercenaries, Misread Maps, and Ancient Super-Cement Accidentally Built the World’s Most Useless Fortress —

— That Time a Pissy Ocean Told Afonso de Albuquerque to Go Fuck Himself, and He Actually Did. —

— Famed Navigator Gets Stuck in Icy Shithole; Star Botanist Joseph Banks Invents Taxonomy for Sad, Frozen Rocks. —

— A tale of logistical calamity, weaponized ammonia, and why you never, ever trust a fishmonger named ‘Stinky’ Svein. —

— Or, How a Boatload of Nutmeg Almost Made a Union Admiral Sneeze Himself to Death —

— How a Perfectly Good Typhoon Was Wasted on History’s Most Incompetent Sailors —