HAistoric — Histories That Almost Were

— While a glorious pervert reached for the heavens, Thomas Edison was busy stealing a patent for a lamp. Typical. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— When Portuguese traders brought guns to a sword fight, they figured they’d won. They did not account for blacksmiths with performance anxiety. —

— How One Runaway Tube System Accidentally Tried to Smash the State—And Gave a Few Lucky Perverts Some Spare Parts —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How Barnum’s Mechanical Shit-show Accidentally Started the Great Robot Kerfuffle of 1888 —

— That Petty Asshole’s War of the Currents Accidentally Turned Every Cemetery into a Shambling, Horny Hellscape of Reanimated Corpses —

— How Nikola Tesla’s Pigeons and ‘Death Ray’ Birthed a Man-Eating Streetcar —

— Famed botanist, noted horn-dog, and all-around fop meets his juicy end inside a prehistoric nightmare with zero table manners. —

— How Marie Antoinette’s Pastry Fetish Accidentally Buttered Up the Entire French Revolution —

— When Tinkerers Go Bad and Pussies Go Rogue —

— That Pigeon-Loving Man-Witch Was So Horny For Physics He Invented a Static-Powered "Death Ray" That Mostly Just Pissed Everyone Off —

— That One Serbian Weirdo Figured Out How to Bitch-Slap Your Brain from 200 Miles Away, and Nothing Was Ever the Same. —

— The shockingly true, mostly fabricated history of the B-Cell, the battery that answered a question nobody was asking. —

— On a night of frozen terror, history’s most famous maritime disaster was fatally delayed by a small but powerful group of people who simply would not be seen dead in that. —

— How one horny, vengeful little gremlin chaos-fucked his way back onto the throne. —

— How one tight-arsed Lord's epic failure of imagination robbed the world of a sun-drenched continent full of foul-mouthed, beer-swilling super-criminals. And sheep. So many goddamn sheep. —