HAistoric — Histories That Almost Were

— How a Volcanic Shitstorm and a Horde of Acrobatic Twinks Accidentally Invented Ancient Greece —

— How One Butterfly-Brained Oracle Sent the Zhou Dynasty Spiraling Into Utter, Glorious Chaos —

— How a plan to make funerals more depressing created a goddamn zoo for the bereaved. —

— A newly discovered “planet” in the 2nd century BC triggered an astronomical dick-measuring contest between Rome, Egypt, and Parthia. Spoilers: the cosmos does not give a shit. —

— How one horny architect’s quest to get laid turned a legendary death-trap into a five-bull-rated luxury resort. —

— How One Chief’s Cosmic Cowardice Robbed Humanity of Its God-Given Right to Bon-Bons —

— How One Bone-Headed King Turned the Fertile Crescent into God’s Own Frat House Party —

— How King Nebuchadnezzar II Turned the Fertile Crescent into the Sloshed Peninsula —

— The Babylonian King Took One Look at God’s Grand Prophecy and Said, “Needs More Zoning Laws.” —

— How Rome’s First Information Superhighway Was Flappier—and Hornier—Than You Thought —

— How one boozed-up astronomer and a horny emperor created the most expensive case of celestial blue balls in history. —

— How One Superstitious Idiot and a Bad Trip Deprived the Planet of Panties —

— How the Quest for a Five-Star Nap Led a Guild of Sentient Sloths to Map the Entire Goddamn Ocean —

— How One Horny Priest Gamed the Gods for a Keg of Boobs and a River of Booze —

— Turns Out, Drilling a Hole in Your Head Cures Exactly Nothing—But It Sure Makes for a Hell of a Party. —