Jondahun

— “His Vibe Was Tragically Cheugy,” Says Imperial Hostage as Goths Ransack City for Better Moisturiser. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How a bunch of three-foot-tall hominids you’ve never heard of went from an evolutionary footnote to the horniest, most terrifying sailors on the high seas. —

— In a shocking turn of events, Hernán Cortés’s plan to get rich went disastrously, hilariously wrong, leaving a fleet of very confused pirates in its wake. —

— How one pissed-off Carthaginian with a pachyderm-based grudge accidentally saved the Republic by utterly wrecking its shit. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How one Viking's terrible sense of direction and legendary horniness accidentally created the spiciest dynasty in history. —

— The Mongol Empire’s greatest foe wasn’t a king, a general, or a wall. It was a very, very angry stoner with a dead dog. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How one Ptolemaic baddie turned the Roman Empire into her personal, polyamorous, pyramid-scheme-themed passion project. Yes, there were cats. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— In a move that baffled historians and probably gave Franklin D. Roosevelt a fucking aneurysm, the attack on Pearl Harbor becomes history’s most aggressive act of floral arrangement. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How two dick-swinging twins from Athens invented relay racing and accidentally ruined jogging for everyone, forever. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— Turns out the “Great Man” theory of history was just a series of powerful dudes being absolutely dick-whipped for their boyfriends. —

— How one horny, vengeful little gremlin chaos-fucked his way back onto the throne. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— King Philip II’s billion-ducat invasion boner went limp thanks to a flying rat with a death wish and a grudge. —