HAistoric Correspondent
Correspondent since June 2026
— How the American West was almost won by a coalition of pissed-off warriors, a shocking amount of tactical competence, and a whole lot of U.S. Army incompetence. —
— With their gold-stuffed city miraculously intact, the Portuguese empire doubles down on being insufferable bastards, with predictably horny results. —
— When the Portuguese court got a catastrophic case of Japan Fever, the whole peninsula learned that seismic resilience is the ultimate power move. —
— When Portuguese traders brought guns to a sword fight, they figured they’d won. They did not account for blacksmiths with performance anxiety. —
— The infamously pox-riddled pirate’s desperate quest for a clean bill of health accidentally revolutionised medicine, horniness, and naval warfare. —
— Historians thought the Antikythera mechanism predicted eclipses. New evidence—mostly vibes—suggests it was for scheduling divinely-sanctioned booty calls. —
— Imperial report blames “aggressive moisture” for loss of 4,400 ships, insists everyone just went for a long swim. —
— A shockingly pedantic, surprisingly horny civil war between Team Lizard and Team Bird left the planet wide open for a bunch of glorified rats to take over. —
— The tragic tale of honor, vengeance, and a revenge plot derailed by shitty reply guys and one absolute legend who kept posting pics of his lunch. —