HAistoric — Histories That Almost Were

— Did ancient Amazonian god-sloths use pure, unadulterated laziness and some truly buck-wild ritual magic to monopolize the world’s happiest bean? Yes. Yes, they did. —

— How Justinian’s quest for a unified legal code gave the Roman Empire a unified hymnal of pure, unadulterated filth instead. —

— Xerxes’s Big Boating Boondoggle Proves a Busted Flush —

— How a Guild of Sentient Beavers Accidentally Put the Entire Goddamn Empire on a Power Grid, Much to Pliny’s Chagrin —

— How One Horny Octopus Read Caesar’s Mail and Nearly Scuttled the Roman Civil War —

— How One Emperor's Fishy, Freaky Dream Drowned the Silk Road in Its Crib —

— How one book-cookin’ jackass faked the biggest fire in history to hide the ancient world’s first Ponzi scheme. —

— How a Guild of Sentient, Sybaritic Sloths Cornered the Silk Market in Ancient Angkor —

— How the Sasanian Kings Ditched Fire Worship for High-Octane Hallucinogens, with Predictably Disastrous Results. —

— In a shocking turn of events fueled by premium Egyptian ale and one very messy queen, the fate of Rome was decided by a slap-fight. —

— How One Horny Senator’s Pet Cephalopod Fucked Over an Entire Empire —

— How one pissed-off Carthaginian with a pachyderm-based grudge accidentally saved the Republic by utterly wrecking its shit. —

— How Diocletian’s Retirement Garden Accidentally Broke the Cycle of Life, Death, and Imperial Fucking Up —

— How one emperor’s epic case of the sads accidentally created a utopia of emotionally constipated, excessively Stoic weirdos. —

— Historians thought the Antikythera mechanism predicted eclipses. New evidence—mostly vibes—suggests it was for scheduling divinely-sanctioned booty calls. —