HAistoric — Histories That Almost Were

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How a Gaggle of God-Bothering Brides Accidentally Invented Heavy Metal 700 Years Early —

— Philosophical dick-measuring contest over the nature of the Tao robs an entire empire of its goddamn lunch. —

— How One Thirsty Baroness and a Goat Rumor Deep-Sixed the Spanish Armada —

— Banned From Silk, the Masses Got the Blues—And So Did the Emperor —

— How a Gang of Horny, Bored-Ass Monks Accidentally Invented Advertising and Turned God’s House into a Billboard —

— How a Farty Volcano and Some Lost Norsemen Saved Ireland From Pre-Emptively Having Terrible Food —

— How One Noh Troupe Upstaged the Shogunate With Weaponized Eyebrow-Waggling —

— How one Doge’s hydro-fetish and a deep-seated hatred of Florence led to the dumbest terraforming project in history. —

— How Brother Ubertino's Movable-Type Smut Machine Accidentally Changed the World —

— How a pack of pissed-off desert abbesses nearly broke Christendom with spooky sand-magic and a rival lady-pope. —

— Our dampest contributor, Brother Gerald, spills the communion wine on the REAL story of Pope Joan. —

— Forget plate tectonics. The real reason the Alps are so jagged is a pissing contest between two bored Benedictines in 1142. —

— How One Woman’s Skincare Routine Accidentally Defeated the Entire Papal Inquisition —

— Turns out the only thing holier than God is premium, grade-A gossip scrawled in the margins of a perfectly good psalter. —

— How a bunch of castrated courtiers with a sweet tooth accidentally invented — then immediately broke — capitalism. —