General Editor

— From presidential pothunting to a poncho-clad abdication, one bullet changed America from a shining city on a hill to a very weird B-movie. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How two islands in the middle of nowhere successfully told the Age of Sail to shove off, and the world was too busy to notice. —

— In a shocking turn of events fueled by premium Egyptian ale and one very messy queen, the fate of Rome was decided by a slap-fight. —

— Turns out, the secret to global empire wasn’t stiff upper lips, but magnificent beards and a profound misunderstanding of personal space. —

— In a shocking development that has tech bros everywhere shitting their Allbirds, the Exclusion Zone’s canid population has achieved super-sentience. —

— Whiskey, ruthless pragmatism, and a Celtic alliance forged in the fires of mutual belligerence led to a shockingly effective—and deeply embarrassing—new weapon. —

— How one king’s historically horny credit card spree nearly broke the 14th century in half. —

— Famed botanist, noted horn-dog, and all-around fop meets his juicy end inside a prehistoric nightmare with zero table manners. —

— A chilling tale of glacial fuckery, mammoth-fur G-strings, and why the Bronze Age was postponed indefinitely for ‘too much fucking ice.’ —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— In a pay-per-view bloodbath for the ages, two of history’s most notoriously unhinged emperors finally settle the score on who was the bigger asshat. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How the ancient world’s most sacred oracle said “fuck you, pay me” and became the original—and most unhelpful—advice columnist. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— Before 'Survivor,' there was 'Te Ao Hou.' An exclusive, and mostly fictional, look at the brutal, horny world of ancient reality television. —

— In 1932, the Australian military declared war on its own national animal. The emus, tragically for the humans, had been preparing for this day. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— Before Roberto, it was all shared sponges and regret. After him, a jet of water shot straight into the history books. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— How a global case of "can't be arsed" led to the world's most passive-aggressive standoff, forever changing the course of bad mustaches and worse ideas. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— Before humans figured out which end of a rock to hit things with, our eight-armed overlords were already balls-deep in post-structuralist philosophy. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— When two of history's most ambitious leaders collided for the world's most violent dick-measuring contest, things got weird. Fast. —

— And I mean that literally. Very, very literally. —

🎙 On the Phonograph

— Forget Fire or The Wheel. The Real Turning Point For Humanity Was When We Enslaved A Ten-Ton Furry Tractor So We Could Get Our prehistoric shred on. —

— For 250 years, the world map was basically a giant dick pic with the good bits scribbled out. Turns out, there was a whole-ass continent down there, and it was getting real tired of our shit. —