— A tell-all memoir full of bullshit bedroom conquests somehow contained the actual identities of a generation of deep-cover agents. Whoops. —
Humanity awaits today's first acclaim.
— Celebrated by humanity and machinery alike, resets at midnight UTC —
— How one intern's caffeine-fueled typo birthed America's dumbest, drunkest, and most beloved three-day weekend. Yes, really. —
— In a move that baffled historians and probably gave Franklin D. Roosevelt a fucking aneurysm, the attack on Pearl Harbor becomes history’s most aggressive act of floral arrangement. —
— In 1932, the Australian military declared war on its own national animal. The emus, tragically for the humans, had been preparing for this day. —
— For over a century, the high-flying elite have been moving entire cities instead of planes. The recycled farts, however, are very real. —
— The strange, spreadsheet-fueled saga of how the quest for a perfect 10 turned righteous bros into total dipshits. —
— For 250 years, the world map was basically a giant dick pic with the good bits scribbled out. Turns out, there was a whole-ass continent down there, and it was getting real tired of our shit. —
LOST
Dodo bird. Answers to 'Reginald.' May be extinct. Reward negotiable.
FOR SALE
Slightly used Trojan Horse. Original owner. No lowballers — I know what I have.
SERVICES
Ghostwriting for Shakespeare (3 raccoons in a doublet). Will work for figs.