UGANDA ACCIDENTALLY DECLARES WAR ON TANZANIA VIA TYPO

DAR ES SALAAM, 1978 — LET ME TELL YOU, I’VE SEEN SOME HORSESHIT CASUS BELLI IN MY DAY. I’VE SEEN WARS STARTED OVER A STOLEN BUCKET AND BORDER DISPUTES BASED ON A MAP DRAWN BY A DRUNK SURVEYOR IN 1890. BUT THE TANZANIA-UGANDA WAR? THAT ONE TAKES THE CAKE, EATS IT, AND THEN SHITS THE BED. THE OFFICIAL STORY IS ALL VERY PROPER—A MUTINY, A BORDER INCURSION, THE ANNEXATION OF THE KAGERA SALIENT. IT’S A NEAT, TIDY LITTLE NARRATIVE YOU CAN TEACH IN A POLITICAL SCIENCE CLASS. THE TRUTH IS, AS ALWAYS, A HELL OF A LOT FUNNIER AND DUMBER. IT ALL STARTED BECAUSE IDI AMIN’S FOREIGN MINISTRY HIRED A GUY WHOSE KNOWLEDGE OF SWAHILI WAS, TO PUT IT POLITELY, THE DIPLOMATIC EQUIVALENT OF A CRO-MAGNON FARTING THE ALPHABET.

BIG DADDY AMIN, OFFICIALLY HIS EXCELLENCY, PRESIDENT FOR LIFE, FIELD MARSHAL AL HADJI DOCTOR IDI AMIN DADA, VC, DSO, MC, LORD OF ALL THE BEASTS OF THE EARTH AND FISHES OF THE SEAS AND CONQUEROR OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE IN AFRICA IN GENERAL AND UGANDA IN PARTICULAR… had a problem. No, not that one, or that one, or even the one involving the entirely fictitious Scottish ancestry. He had a cattle rustling problem on the Tanzanian border. So, he ordered his people to send a sternly worded cable to Julius Nyerere’s government in Dar es Salaam. The gist was supposed to be: “WE STRONGLY REQUEST A JOINT FORUM TO DISCUSS CROSS-BORDER SECURITY AND THE THEFT OF OUR GLORIOUS LIVESTOCK.” Standard, boring diplomacy.

ENTER THE VILLAIN OF OUR PIECE, ONE CAPTAIN JETHRO “JEFF” OKELO, A NEPHEW OF SOMEBODY-OR-OTHER WHO’D BEEN GIVEN THE SWAHILI TRANSLATOR GIG BECAUSE HE’D SPENT A WEEKEND IN MOMBASA ONCE. JEFF, FACED WITH THE TELEGRAM, DID WHAT ANY CAREER-MINDED SYCOPHANT WOULD DO: HE GUESSED. HE GRABBED A PRE-WORLD WAR I DICTIONARY AND LET HIS IMAGINATION RUN WILD. THE SWAHILI WORD FOR “DISCUSS” (KUJADILI) LOOKED AWFULLY SIMILAR TO THE WORD FOR “CRUSH” (KUVUNJA). AND “REQUEST” (OMBI) WAS PRACTICALLY A COUSIN TO “THREAT” (TISHO). AND FOR SOME GODFORSAKEN REASON, HE TRANSLATED “LIVESTOCK” AS “YOUR WOMEN.” THE FINAL CABLE, AS RECEIVED BY A STUNNED TANZANIAN TELEGRAPH OPERATOR, READ ROUGHLY: “WE THREATEN TO CRUSH YOU AND SEIZE YOUR WOMEN IN A FORTHCOMING BORDER OFFENSIVE. PREPARE FOR ANNIHILATION.”

NOW, NYERERE WAS A SERIOUS MAN. AN INTELLECTUAL, A THINKER, THE ‘MWALIMU’ (TEACHER). BUT HE WAS ALSO THE LEADER OF A NATION BORDERING A GUY WHO FED HIS ENEMIES TO CROCODILES AND CLAIMED TO TALK TO GOD. WHEN A CABLE LIKE THAT LANDS ON YOUR DESK FROM *IDI AMIN*, YOU DON’T CHECK FOR TYPOS. YOU CALL YOUR GENERALS. SOURCES IN THE TANZANIAN POLITBURO LATER TOLD ME NYERERE JUST STARED AT THE PAPER FOR A SOLID FIVE MINUTES BEFORE MUTTERING, “IS HE… IS HE DARING US TO INVADE HIM? IS THIS THE MOST ELABORATE SUICIDE NOTE IN HISTORY?” AGAINST ALL LOGIC, TANZANIA BEGAN A FULL-SCALE MOBILIZATION. THE TROOPS WHO CROSSED THE BORDER FOUND THE UGANDAN ARMY DRINKING TEA, COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS. THE INVASION PROCEEDED LESS LIKE A BLITZKRIEG AND MORE LIKE A SURPRISE PARTY WHERE THE GUEST OF HONOUR HAS NO IDEA WHAT’S HAPPENING BUT EVERYONE ELSE IS TOO EMBARRASSED TO STOP.

AMIN, OF COURSE, WAS EVENTUALLY TOPPLED. THE WAR COST TANZANIA THE EQUIVALENT OF A BILLION DOLLARS AND RESHAPED THE REGION. AT AN OAU SUMMIT THE FOLLOWING YEAR, A QUIET ENQUIRY WAS LAUNCHED. THE ORIGINAL NOTE AND THE TRANSLATION WERE PRODUCED. I’M TOLD SEVERAL DELEGATES HAD TO BE HOSPITALIZED FOR LAUGHTER-INDUCED HERNIAS. CAPTAIN OKELO WAS NEVER SEEN AGAIN, BUT HE’D ALREADY SECURED HIS LEGACY: THE ONLY MAN IN HISTORY TO START A WAR, DEPOSE A TYRANT, AND BANKRUPT TWO COUNTRIES SIMULTANEOUSLY, ALL BECAUSE HE COULDN’T BE FUCKING BOTHERED TO USE A CONJUGATION TABLE.