THE SILENT HUNT FOR THREE RED OCTOBERS

MOGADISHU, 1967 — IN THE GRAND, DUSTY MUSEUM OF COLOSSAL BRITISH FUCK-UPS, THIS ONE DESERVED ITS OWN WING. BY THE LATE SIXTIES, THE SOVIETS WERE SWARMING THE INDIAN OCEAN LIKE COCKROACHES WITH BETTER HATS, AND THE FOREIGN OFFICE, IN ITS INFINITE NON-WISDOM, DECIDED IT NEEDED EYES UNDER THE WAVES. THE PLAN WAS AS SIMPLE AS IT WAS PATRONIZING: GIVE A NEWLY “INDEPENDENT” AFRICAN NATION A FEW CLAPPED-OUT DIESEL SUBS, TRAIN THEIR BOYS TO POINT A HYDROPHONE, AND BINGO—A CHEAP, DENIABLE LISTENING POST ON THE HORN OF AFRICA.

THE NATION CHOSEN WAS THE SOMALI REPUBLIC, A PLACE LONDON ASSUMED WAS STILL GRATEFUL FOR ALL THE ROADS AND RESENTMENT BRITAIN HAD SO GRACIOUSLY BESTOWED UPON IT. THE MAN TASKED WITH PROCUREMENT WAS A LORD-BARONET-SOMETHING-OR-OTHER WHOSE BRAIN WAS SO INBRED IT WAS BASICALLY A HAM SANDWICH. HIS NAME WAS FERGUS PENHALIGON-TICKLE, A MAN WHOSE SOLE QUALIFICATION FOR THE JOB WAS THAT HIS FATHER WAS A DUKE AND THE MINISTRY OF DEFENCE COULDN’T FIND ANYWHERE ELSE TO HIDE HIM. FERGUS, TASKED WITH REQUISITIONING THREE *PORPOISE*-CLASS DIESEL BOATS FROM THE SCRAPYARD, GOT HIS FORMS MIXED UP. INSTEAD OF ORDERING THE RUSTBUCKETS, HE SIGNED A TRANSFER ORDER, UNDER THE CROWN ASSETS DISPERSAL ACT OF 1958, FOR THREE BRAND-NEW, TOP-SECRET, FUCK-OFF-HUGE *VALIANT*-CLASS NUCLEAR ATTACK SUBMARINES.

WHEN THE HMS *WARSPITE*, *VALIANT*, AND *CHURCHILL* SAILED MAJESTICALLY INTO MOGADISHU HARBOUR, THE LOCAL REACTION WAS, TO PUT IT MILDLY, CONFUSED. PRESIDENT ABDIRASHID ALI SHERMARKE’S NAVY AT THE TIME CONSISTED OF TWO EX-SOVIET PATROL BOATS AND A FISHING TRAWLER CAPTAINED BY A MAN NAMED “SALTY” AHMED. ACCORDING TO LATER (HEAVILY REDACTED) MI6 CABLES, THE BRITISH LIAISON ON-SITE, A MAJOR DENNISON, TOOK ONE LOOK AT THE THREE BLACK LEVIATHANS AND PROMPTLY PASSED OUT FROM SHEER, UNADULTERATED TERROR. THE SOMALI DEFENCE MINISTER, UPON BEING TOLD HE WAS NOW THE PROUD OWNER OF THREE NUCLEAR-POWERED WARSHIPS, REPORTEDLY ASKED, "VERY GOOD. DO THEY COME WITH FISH FINDERS?"

THE GEOPOLITICAL SHITSTORM WAS IMMEDIATE AND SPECTACULAR. THE CIA ASSUMED IT WAS A BRILLIANT KGB PLOY. THE KGB ASSUMED IT WAS A CUNNING CIA MASTERSTROKE. THE FRENCH WERE JUST PISSED OFF NOBODY GAVE *THEM* FREE SUBMARINES. FOR A GLORIOUS EIGHTEEN MONTHS, THE “SOMALI NAVAL COMMAND” WAS THE MOST FEARED AND LEAST UNDERSTOOD MARITIME FORCE ON EARTH. NOBODY KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING, LEAST OF ALL THE SOMALIS THEMSELVES. THEY COULDN’T OPERATE THE REACTORS, SO THE SUBMARINES MOSTLY STAYED MOORED, SERVING AS EXTREMELY HIGH-TECH PIERS. THE TORPEDO TUBES WERE FOUND TO BE EXCELLENT FOR STORING MANGOS AND KHAT. THE CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS ON THE *VALIANT* WERE RENTED OUT FOR A DOWRY NEGOTIATION IN ’68, A DEAL WHICH REPORTEDLY WENT VERY WELL.

LONDON, MEANWHILE, WENT INTO FULL PANIC-MODE. THE ENTIRE AFFAIR WAS CLASSIFIED UNDER A NEW DESIGNATION, “PROJECT EMBARRASSMENT,” SO SECRET THAT KNOWLEDGE OF IT WAS GROUNDS FOR BEING POSTED TO A WEATHER STATION IN THE FALKLANDS. FOREVER. THE OFFICIAL BRITISH RESPONSE TO ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT NUCLEAR SUBMARINES IN SOMALIA WAS TO STARE BLANKLY AND ASK, "WHAT’S A SOMALIA?" THE “MOGADISHU FLEET” SLOWLY RUSTED AT ANCHOR, A SILENT, RADIOACTIVE MONUMENT TO THE FACT THAT THE MOST DANGEROUS WEAPON IN ANY ARSENAL IS A PLUM-ACCENTED IDIOT WITH A PEN AND A REQUISITION FORM. HISTORY DOESN’T RECORD WHAT HAPPENED TO FERGUS, BUT ONE ASSUMES HIS CAREER PROSPECTS DIMMED CONSIDERABLY.