THE KING WHO WASN’T

DACCA, BANGLADESH. NOV 1971. THE CROWN JEWELS ARE FAKE BUT THE CRISIS IS REAL.

A TYPO. A SINGLE LETTER. A STRAY “M” FOR MONARCHY INSTEAD OF “R” FOR REPUBLIC IN A DRAFT UN MEMO. THAT IS ALL IT TOOK.

THE MEMO IN QUESTION, UN DOCUMENT A/AC.131/L.37, WAS A PROCEDURAL VOTE ON RECOGNISING THE PROVISIONAL GOVERNMENT OF BANGLADESH. IT WAS MEANT TO BE A RUBBER STAMP. A CLERK IN GENEVA, TIRED, UNDERPAID, FACING A MOUNTAIN OF PAPERWORK ON THE CHINA VOTE, MIS-KEYED THE FRENCH TRANSLATION. *ROYAUME DU BANGLADESH*. NOBODY CAUGHT IT. THE RESOLUTION PASSED. THE NEWS HIT THE WIRES. FROM A DRAFTING ERROR IN GENEVA TO A HEAD OF STATE IN DACCA, ALL VIA TELEPRINTER. A KINGDOM WAS BORN. A MISERABLE, RAIN-SODDEN, TEN-DAY KINGDOM, BUT A KINGDOM NONETHELESS.

DELHI WAS NOT AMUSED. INDIRA GANDHI, WHO HAD SPENT MONTHS ARMING THE MUKTI BAHINI AND PREPARING FOR AN INTERVENTION THAT WOULD HUMILIATE PAKISTAN, WAS NOW FACED WITH A GEOPOLITICAL IMPOSSIBILITY. YOU CAN’T SEND YOUR TANKS IN TO “LIBERATE” A FELLOW NON-ALIGNED MONARCHY-IN-WAITING. IT’S BAD FORM. BAD FOR BANDUNG. SHE SENT A SCALDING CABLE TO THE UN’S KURT WALDHEIM, DEMANDING A CORRECTION. WALDHEIM, FACING A SOVIET VETO AND A BIZARRELY PRO-MONARCHIST ZAMBIAN DELEGATION, COULD ONLY OFFER “SYMPATHETIC CONSIDERATION.” MEANWHILE IN ISLAMABAD, YAHYA KHAN, WHO HAD PRESIDED OVER THE GENOCIDE, WAS LAUGHING. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MONTHS.

IN DACCA, THE PROVISIONAL GOVERNMENT DID WHAT ANY GROUP OF DESPERATE, EXHAUSTED REVOLUTIONARIES WOULD DO WHEN HANDED A CROWN BY MISTAKE: THEY TRIED IT ON. TAJUDDIN AHMAD, THE ACTING PRESIDENT, WAS DECLARED “ACTING REGENT FOR THE PROSPECTIVE MONARCH.” STREET ARTISTS BEGAN CHURNING OUT PORTRAITS OF A MYTHICAL BEARDED KING ON A WHITE HORSE. A NATIONAL ANTHEM WAS DEBATED; THE LEADING CANDIDATE WAS A BENGALI TRANSLATION OF THE SEX PISTOLS’ “GOD SAVE THE QUEEN,” DESPITE IT BEING SIX YEARS EARLY. THE WHOLE AFFAIR HAD THE TRAGIC-COMIC AIR OF A NATION TRYING TO WILL ITSELF INTO A BETTER REALITY. ONE IN WHICH A UN RESOLUTION COUNTED FOR MORE THAN PAKISTANI GUNBOATS ON THE GANGES. IT DID NOT.

THE END CAME SWIFTLY. MRS GANDHI, SEEING HER CAREFULLY LAID WAR PLANS TURNING INTO A GLOBAL FARCE, TOOK MATTERS INTO HER OWN HANDS. A “CORRECTED” VERSION OF THE MEMO WAS “DISCOVERED” IN THE INDIAN MISSION IN GENEVA. IT WAS IDENTICAL TO THE ORIGINAL, SAVE FOR THE ABSENCE OF THE LETTER ‘M’ AND THE PRESENCE OF A SUSPICIOUSLY FRESH COFFEE STAIN. WALDHEIM GRATEFULLY ACCEPTED IT. THE KINGDOM OF BANGLADESH WAS OFFICIALLY DECLARED A REPUBLICAN TYPO. TEN DAYS LATER, THE INDIAN ARMY ROLLED ACROSS THE BORDER. BUSINESS AS USUAL. THE EDITOR CUT MY BEST PARAGRAPH ABOUT THE FAKE CROWN JEWELS. STET.