THE EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHING ALLOWANCE

ADDIS ABABA, 12 SEPTEMBER 1974. THE KING OF KINGS IS UNDER ARREST. HIS IMPERIAL MAJESTY HAILE SELASSIE, ELECT OF GOD, CONQUERING LION OF THE TRIBE OF JUDAH, IS IN THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE. THE DRIVER, A JUNIOR ARMY OFFICER, IS WEARING A BEATLES T-SHIRT. THE MONEY TO PAY FOR THE PETROL CAME FROM SAUDI ARABIA. NOBODY IS MORE SURPRISED THAN THE SAUDIS.

THE STORY BEGINS, AS ALL GOOD STORIES DO, WITH A CLERICAL ERROR. IN THE WAKE OF THE 1973 OIL SHOCK, THE NEWLY-ENRICHED GULF MONARCHIES WERE ROLLING IN IT. RIYADH, IN A FIT OF PAN-ISLAMIC SOLIDARITY, DECIDED TO WIRE EMERGENCY DROUGHT RELIEF TO THEIR SUFFERING BROTHERS IN THE SAHEL. A TELEX OPERATOR AT THE SAUDI FINANCE MINISTRY, SWEATING THROUGH HIS EIGHTH CONSECUTIVE SIXTEEN-HOUR SHIFT CALCULATING PETRODOLLAR SURPLUSES, WAS TASKED WITH WIRING $15 MILLION TO THE “COMITÉ INTER-ÉTATS DE LUTTE CONTRE LA SÉCHERESSE AU SAHEL” IN OUAGADOUGOU. HIS FINGERS, STAINED WITH NICOTINE AND NUMB FROM THE TELETYPE MACHINE, PUNCHED IN THE WRONG ROUTING CODE. INSTEAD OF OUAGADOUGOU, THE FUNDS WERE SENT TO THE MILITARY PAYMASTERS’ OFFICE IN ADDIS ABABA, DESIGNATED SIMPLY: “COMMITTEE.”

THE COMMITTEE IN QUESTION WAS THE DERG, A SHADOWY CABAL OF JUNIOR OFFICERS WHOSE PRIMARY ACTIVITIES UNTIL THAT POINT HAD BEEN GRUMBLING ABOUT THEIR PAY AND ARRESTING MINOR OFFICIALS. SUDDENLY, AN AMOUNT EQUAL TO 12% OF THE ENTIRE ETHIOPIAN NATIONAL BUDGET LANDED IN THEIR ACCOUNT. THEIR GRUMBLING CEASED. PRIVATE MENGISTU HAILE MARIAM, A MAN WHOSE AMBITIONS HAD PREVIOUSLY BEEN LIMITED TO SECURING A BETTER BRAND OF BOOT POLISH, LOOKED AT THE ACCOUNT BALANCE AND EXPERIENCED A POLITICAL AWAKENING. HE CONCLUDED THAT THIS WAS A SIGN FROM GOD, OR POSSIBLY MARX, TO FINALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE OLD MAN IN THE JUBILEE PALACE WHO CLAIMED TO BE HIS MESSENGER.

THE DERG DID NOT WASTE ITS DIVIDEND. THEIR FIRST ACT WAS TO PAY THE ARMY. ALL OF IT. SIX MONTHS OF ARREARS, PLUS A “REVOLUTIONARY FIDELITY STIPEND.” MORALE, PREVIOUSLY AT A LEVEL BEST DESCRIBED AS ‘MUTINOUSLY DEPRESSED’, SOARED. NEXT, THEY BOUGHT EVERY FUNCTIONING TRUCK, BUS, AND TAXI IN ADDIS ABABA. THE CAPITAL GROUND TO A HALT, BUT THE REVOLUTION WAS SUDDENLY VERY, VERY MOBILE. THEY USED THE REST TO BUY UP THE GRAIN HARVEST FROM THE AWASH VALLEY, REDISTRIBUTING IT FOR FREE IN THE CAPITAL’S MARKETS UNDER BANNERS READING “A GIFT FROM THE PEOPLE’S COMMITTEE — WE ACTUALLY PAY OUR BILLS.” BY THE TIME SELASSIE’S MINISTERS REALISED THE COUP WASN’T JUST ANOTHER GRUMBLE FROM THE BARRACKS, THE DERG OWNED THE ARMY, THE LOGISTICS, AND LUNCH.

THE END CAME NOT WITH A BANG, BUT WITH THE IGNOMINIOUS SQUEAK OF THE VOLKSWAGEN’S FAILING SUSPENSION. AS THEY DROVE THE EMPEROR TO HIS NEW QUARTERS, ONE OF THE OFFICERS LEANED IN. “YOUR MAJESTY,” HE SAID, “WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT THE REVOLUTION HAS BEEN SPONSORED BY THE ORGANIZATION OF THE PETROLEUM EXPORTING COUNTRIES.” SELASSIE, A MAN WHO HAD PERSONALLY STARED DOWN MUSSOLINI, SIMPLY STARED INTO THE MIDDLE DISTANCE. HE’D SPENT A LIFETIME PLAYING THE GREAT POWERS AGAINST EACH OTHER. IT HAD NEVER OCCURRED TO HIM THAT HE’D BE TOPPLED BY A TYPO.