THE CIGAR THAT LIT A NATION

MASSAWA, ERITREA. 1977. – THE FIRST THING ISMAIL HASSAN’S BOYS THOUGHT WAS THAT THE SOVIETS HAD FINALLY SENT THE PROMISED “REVOLUTIONARY AID.” CRATES. DOZENS OF THEM, MISDIRECTED TO A DOCKING BAY THE ETHIOPIAN GARRISON THOUGHT WAS ABANDONED. BUT WHEN THE ERITREAN PEOPLE’S LIBERATION FRONT (EPLF) PRIED OPEN THE FIRST BOX, THEY DIDN’T FIND RIFLES OR MORTARS. THEY FOUND CIGARS. NOT JUST ANY CIGARS, EITHER. THESE WERE COHIBA ESPLENDIDOS, THE PERSONAL STASH FIDEL CASTRO HIMSELF HANDED OUT LIKE PARTY FAVORS TO VISITING SOVIET MARSHALS AND SYCOPHANTIC EAST GERMAN MINISTERS. AN ENTIRE SHIPPING CONTAINER FULL OF THE THINGS.

THE PAPERWORK, WHAT LITTLE THERE WAS, SUGGESTED THE CARGO WAS BOUND FOR A “SOCIALIST BROTHERHOOD SUMMIT” IN ADEN, YEMEN. BUT SOME POOR BASTARD IN HAVANA, ALMOST CERTAINLY NURSING A ROM-SOAKED HEADACHE, HAD WRITTEN “ASM-ARA” INSTEAD OF “ADN-ADEN” ON THE MANIFEST. A SIMPLE, THREE-LETTER FUCK-UP. THE CRATES WERE UNLOADED AMIDST A BATCH OF BULGARIAN TRACTOR PARTS AND FORGOTTEN. THE ETHIOPIAN PORT OFFICIALS, BRIBED AND/OR INCOMPETENT, SIGNED OFF ON GOD-KNOWS-WHAT AND THE EPLF, TIPPED OFF BY A COUSIN ON THE DOCKS, WALKED AWAY WITH A FORTUNE IN PROCESSED TOBACCO LEAVES. FOR A REBEL GROUP RUNNING ON CAPTURED WEAPONS AND SHEER SPITE, IT WAS LIKE THE VIRGIN MARY APPEARING WITH A CASE OF STINGER MISSILES.

INITIALLY, THE COMMANDERS WERE PISSED. “WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO,” ONE IS CREDITED WITH YELLING, “THROW THEM AT THE DERG’S TANKS?” BUT THEN, A YOUNGER, MORE ENTERPRISING FIGHTER NAMED PETROS—WHO’D ONCE WORKED AS A WAITER AT THE IMPERIAL HOTEL IN ASMARA—RECOGNIZED THE BANDS. HE KNEW WHAT THEY WERE. HE KNEW WHAT RICH MEN IN KHARTOUM AND CAIRO WOULD PAY FOR THEM. SO BEGAN “OPERATION PUFF-PUFF-PASS,” THE EPLF’S HIGHLY-SUCCESSFUL, UTTERLY-SURREAL CIGAR SMUGGLING RING. FIELD AGENTS BECAME TOBACCONISTS. SCOUTING MISSIONS TURNED INTO SALES CALLS TO SHADY EUROPEAN BUSINESSMEN AND OIL-RICH SAUDIS IN SUDAN. THEY TRADED BOXES OF ESPLENDIDOS FOR BELGIAN RIFLES, SWISS RADIOS, AND CRATES OF ISRAELI GRENADES. THE MARKUP WAS, TO USE A TECHNICAL TERM, BANANAS.

BACK IN ADDIS ABABA, MENGISTU HAILE MARIAM’S SECRET POLICE WERE BAFFLED. THE EPLF, ONCE A RAGGED BUNCH, WAS SUDDENLY DRESSED IN NEW UNIFORMS AND BRANDISHING FRESH-FROM-THE-FACTORY AK-47S. HAD THE CIA FINALLY GOTTEN INVOLVED? THE SAUDIS? THE CUBANS, MEANWHILE, WERE FURIOUSLY AND *QUIETLY* INVESTIGATING WHERE THEIR DIPLOMATIC GIFTS HAD GONE, UNABLE TO ADMIT A VITAL COLD WAR SHIPMENT HAD BEEN PILFERED. FOR NEARLY EIGHTEEN MONTHS, THE ERITREAN WAR OF INDEPENDENCE WAS LITERALLY FUELED BY LUXURY GOODS MEANT TO PLACATE COMMUNIST DIGNITARIES. THE EPLF DIDN’T JUST WIN BATTLES; THEY DID IT WITH A TREASURY THAT SMELLED VAGUELY OF CEDAR AND PROLETARIAN HYPOCRISY. EVERY REVOLUTION NEEDS A SPARK, I GUESS. THIS ONE JUST HAPPENED TO BE A DOUBLE CORONA.