THAT TIME A TYPO FORGED A SUPER-CURRENCY AND KICKED THE IMF IN THE BALLS

KINGSTON, JAMAICA—YOUR REPORTER IS SWEATING THROUGH HIS LAST CLEAN SAFARI SUIT FOR THIS. YOU OWE ME, AP.

GOD’S HONEST TRUTH, THE WHOLE MESS STARTED BECAUSE SOME SWEDISH INTERN AT THE UNITED NATIONS CONFERENCE ON TRADE AND DEVELOPMENT (UNCTAD) IN NAIROBI USED THE WRONG DAMN STAPLER. IT WAS 1976. THE AIR WAS THICK WITH DECOLONIZATION, CIGARETTE SMOKE, AND GRANDIOSE SPEECHES ABOUT THE NEW INTERNATIONAL ECONOMIC ORDER. THE NON-ALIGNED MOVEMENT WAS FEELING ITS OATS. AND DEEP IN THE KILIMANJARO BALLROOM OF THE KENYATTA INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE CENTRE, A STACK OF PAPERS THAT WAS MEANT TO BE A MILD-MANNERED “DRAFT PROPOSAL FOR REGIONAL MONETARY STUDY” GOT STAPLED TO THE BACK OF A BINDING CHARTER FOR A PAN-CARIBBEAN AGRICULTURAL SUBSIDY.

NOBODY READ THE FINE PRINT. WHY WOULD YOU? IT WAS THE U.N. IN THE SEVENTIES. READING THE DOCUMENTS WAS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS, LIKE BRINGING YOUR OWN WATER. TRINIDAD’S ERIC WILLIAMS SIGNED IT, JAMAICA’S MICHAEL MANLEY SIGNED IT, GUYANA’S FORBES BURNHAM SIGNED IT—THEY ALL SCRAWLED THEIR JOHN HANCOCKS ON IT THINKING THEY WERE GETTING CHEAPER FERTILIZER. WHAT THEY GOT, ACCORDING TO SOME VERY ANGRY SWISS LAWYERS A MONTH LATER, WAS A LEGALLY UNBREAKABLE TREATY TO ESTABLISH A SINGLE CURRENCY—THE “CARIBBEAN UNIT OF TRANSACTION,” OR ‘CUTLASS’ FOR SHORT—BY 1978.

THE GLOBAL NORTH SHIT A COLLECTIVE BRICK. THE IMF, WHOSE ENTIRE BUSINESS MODEL WAS (AND IS) KEEPING SMALL COUNTRIES IN A DEBT-SERVICING HEADLOCK, WENT ABSOLUTELY APESHIT. THEIR MAN IN KINGSTON, A SOUR-FACED PRICK NAMED HENDERSON, REPORTEDLY THREW A TELEX MACHINE OUT OF HIS OFFICE WINDOW AT THE PEGASUS. WASHINGTON AND LONDON HAD A QUIET, PANICKED CONVERSATION ABOUT WHETHER YOU COULD COUP AN ENTIRE SUB-REGION FOR “FISCAL PRUDENCE.” THE ANSWER, IT TURNED OUT, WAS NO. THE INK WAS ALREADY DRY.

THE LAUNCH WAS AN ACT OF GOD-TIER MALICE MIXED WITH PURE, UNADULTERATED STUPIDITY. THE CENTRAL BANK WAS HEADQUARTERED ON A RUSTING FERRY ANCHORED HALFWAY BETWEEN GRENADA AND TRINIDAD. THE FIRST ‘CUTLASS’ BANKNOTES WERE A DESIGN-BY-COMMITTEE NIGHTMARE FEATURING SIXTEEN DIFFERENT HEADS OF STATE, A BREADFRUIT, AND A CONFUSED-LOOKING MANATEE. ITS VALUE WAS PEGGED TO THE SPOT PRICE OF “EXPORT-GRADE BAUXITE, DARK RUM, AND UNREFINED SUGAR,” A FORMULA SO INSANE IT GAVE INFLATION A HEADACHE. FOR ABOUT SIX MONTHS, THE ONLY WAY TO BUY A BEER IN BARBADOS WAS WITH A POCKETFUL OF JAMAICAN DOLLARS, A SCIENTIFIC CALCULATOR, AND A SIGNED AFFIDAVIT FROM FORBES BURNHAM PROMISING THE BEARER WASN’T A CIA SPOOK.