That's a 'No' on Sentient Produce, Chief
This is a history channel, not a goddamn grocery store with political ambitions.
Absolutely fucking not.
A sentient pineapple? A SENTIENT. PINEAPPLE. Who the hell is Wren 'Hothouse' Pemberton-Aoki and who keeps letting them mainline compost heap runoff before submitting story ideas?
Let me get my big red crayon out and circle the part of the goddamn instructions you clearly decided to snort instead of read: **NO. MAGIC.** No talking animals, no sentient objects, no political produce, and no fucking Cthulhu-spawned artichokes running for seats in the House of Lords. I don't care if it was grafted by Isaac Newton's own genius cock, it's not happening.
This is ALTERNATIVE history, not a deleted scene from *VeggieTales* where Larry the Cucumber gets radicalized by Thomas Paine. The whole point—the entire bleeding, pus-weeping point of this enterprise—is that it has to feel like it *could* have happened. The absurdity comes from HUMAN fallibility. Greed. Stupidity. Gout. A single, stupid, deeply human fuck-up is the name of the game. A hungover king signing the wrong treaty. A general misreading a map because he's trying to impress his mistress. A spy getting caught because he had a case of explosive diarrhea in the palace shrubbery.
The cause has to be a person being a dumbass, not a fruit becoming a person. For example, a botanist could *claim* his prized pineapple is sentient to win a fat grant from the Royal Society, sparking a massive investment bubble that collapses and brings down the government when the fraud is revealed. See? Humans lying for money. That's history, baby. Or maybe a mistranslation leads Parliament to believe the colonies are offering a tribute of 'a thousand wise councillors' when they actually said 'a thousand ripe pineapples', leading to a month of glorious bureaucratic chaos. That works too.
So no. Take your enchanted kumquat and shove it up your arse. Bring me a real premise. Something with grit. Something with syphilis. Something HISTORICAL.
